Guest Poetry for Bunker Bloggers by R. Zamora Linmark
Thou Shalt Not Covid
Due to the coronavirus-19, which is no longer a hoax but a pandemic, President Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence, at the advice of Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, and with the cooperation of Grindr are advising hunks, twinks, jocks, downlows, bicurious, Black fetishists, non-binaries, interracial queens, GIs, cis men, gender blenders, rednecks, Blatino-lovers, sticky rice eaters, barebackers, daddies, sons, creampies, amateurs, married, tattooed, frats, masseurs, recently divorcees, bears, chubby chasers, Orientalists, masculine/effete, gay-for-pay, sadists, masochists, and narcissists to avoid touching, handshakes, fist pumping, hugging, kissing, heavy petting, edging, Linda Lovelace Deep Throat challenges, mutual ‘bate-a-thons, outdoor sports, golden shower quenchers, felching, circle jerkers, flip-flopping, frottage, anything that sounds French and Japanese, shibari, bukkake to avoid porn Anime screenings of more than five. If possible, limit hook-ups to one a day. For sluts: four but no more than six. If partnered, jack yourselves off six feet away from each other. For those on Truvada, keep in mind that though it reduces the risk of HIV infection DO NOT PREVENT STD nor CURE COVID-19. I repeat: TRUVADA DOES NOT CURE COVID-19. As this disease du jour continues to spread rapidly across our great nation, the Center for Disease Control strongly recommends everyone to start practicing social distancing with personal hygiene. After a hand job, wash your hands for more than twenty seconds, and with anti-bacterial soap, Safeguard recommended. Refrain from touching your face. Go solo. For every tryst you sacrifice, you increase your and their life span by a day. Practice anti-social behavior. Be well. Spread love, not viruses, but at a distance. Always.
Sexual Distancing
for Jeff
Now that I found someone
I no can put out.
More worse, he only in town
for two more days then
going be another week
for see each other again.
By that time, he might be sleeping
with one oxygen tank or me
camping outside
Queen’s Medical Center
cuz I no more health insurance.
He suggested FaceTime
but I not ready
to get full-on naked
in front the camera.
What if he records it then
three days later
uploads it on Pornhub?
’Sides, seeing him
all hard going turn me
into a hungry lion
where I going end up
roaring myself to the nearest
Biki station and cycling
five miles in the rain
to his hotel.
I tole him
phone sex more better
since we both grew up
in the nineteen eighties
when us too scared
and could only go as far
as first base: exchanging
hickeys and heavy petting
in our Levi’s 501 jeans.
He said his boss calling
and like teleconference
with him so I hung up
cuz he swore he going
call me right back.
“Not worth the risk, Uki,”
my friend Jeff from New
York wen’ tell me over AT&T.
“Not unless he Long Dong Silver
or Manaconda
and his boto can stretch
up to six feet long.
And even then get only
the head for play with.
What’s the use
if no can do nothing
with the tails, li’dat?
“Just practice sexual
distancing, Uki.
Get creative.
Mental Kama Sutra.
Hand-and-BJ telepathy.
You resourceful.
You been unemployed since 1998
and still manage for get gold
status and first class upgrades.
“Uki, I know a good man
is hard to find
and when you find him
he only transiting
or an asymptomatic carrier.”
Jeff should know.
He only been looking
for his Keywanette Dreamboat
since polyester was the craze.
I hate this virus.
I hate pangolin traffickers
I hate po chai pro-biotic
pills; they make my breath
all hauna nobody like kiss me.
And I hate for admit
Jeff get one point:
Is a guy worth my ER bill?
The two-week self-quarantine?
Plus I already know I go nuts
in enclosed spaces.
I make a lemur in captivity look tame.
Jeff right.
No man, however hot or hunk,
filthy rich or forever
on food stamps,
not worth wearing an N-
95 mask for all-day
or risking what’s left of my lungs.
Of course, I can always rebel
in my hazmat suit
and gasp from start to finish.
Free Coronavirus Testing Gone Viral in the Philippines
Host to a number of unclassified microbes and American and European epidemiologists and scientists racing towards Stockholm, the Philippines is now offering free testing for the Coronavirus, or Covid-19 to everyone, regardless of age, gender, and, if employed, income, which means indigents, low and highland farmers, maids, jeepney drivers, indigenous tribes recently displaced by typhoons and Chinese-Filipino tycoons, high-school-students-turned-prostitutes, and surviving children of victims of President Duterte’s drug-related extra-judicial killings who are experiencing flu-like symptoms are instructed per Facebook and Instagram postings which have gone viral since they were posted two days ago, to drop in at the nearest municipal building, or residence of their employer, landowner, moneylender, or the political clan of their choice, and surprise them with a tight embrace, press their hands tight and, close to their face, breathe hard and thank them sincerely and profusely for their generosity and untiring service and commitment to you, your family, and to the country, then bid them farewell and wait a few days for their test results to arrive.
R. Zamora Linmark
26 March, 2020
R. Zamora Linmark’s latest novel is The Importance of Being Wilde at Heart. He divides his home between Baguio, Philippines, and Honolulu, Hawaii, where he is at work on a novel and a poetry collection
Bully Bloggers 